Letter to Students 18 February 2008

Dear Reader

Recently, I have been reading a book called “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it is all small stuff,” a book about living a full and happy life through keeping life in perspective.  This means that the daily trials and tribulations in life will always occur, and the way we deal with these troubles is to see them for what they are.  What are they?  They are very small in the larger scheme of things.  Who will remember them, or what you did, in one hundred years from now? It would be nice to think that our descendents will remember us through photos, and perhaps through old stories and diaries, but basically our day to day life will not endure the passage of time. This does not mean that we are not important, but it does mean that our daily activities do not withstand the passing of time. What this means is that we shouldn’t get so anxious about the things life throws at us, but we should take measures to make sure that our positive way of thinking outweighs our negative thoughts.  I thought I had my life in perspective, and I think I was coping very well till last week when I seemed to hit the wall.  Have you ever done that?  You act as if everything is under control until one day you feel that the walls are caving in.  I caved in after a particularly busy week when I was trying to juggle too many balls, and they all came down at the same time!  Thankfully, Han took me in hand on Friday night, and insisted that I cancel work I was doing on Saturday so that I had time to recharge my batteries.  I acquiesced, and had a quiet day at home, baking my weekly bread and cooking for the family.  Since it was one of the coldest days in a very long time, Han lit the fire and I lay in front of it and relaxed as I watched the glow of the flames.  Do you like watching the dancing of the flames?  My grandfather would spend hours playing with a fire in his backyard, and it is fortunate that he is no longer with us, as the city bylaws prohibit the lighting of fires outside now.  I loved my grandfather, as he used to joke a lot with me.  My most vivid memory of him is biting his fingernails as he listened to the horseracing on the radio in our lounge.  The other vivid memory is the day he yelled at me when I poured too much tomato sauce on my plate, and I couldn’t understand why had become so unpredictably angry.  Only later did we learn that he had a tumour on the brain, and he died not long after.  I don’t have any memory of him being ill, and feel thankful that I still see him as a joking man in my mind’s eye.  What memories do you have of your grandparents?  Both my grandmothers were tailors, but they were very different people, although from similar working class backgrounds.  My paternal grandmother always thought she was bigger than she was, and wore clothes that were far too big for her.  She lived across the road from us, and I was very close to her as we saw her almost every day.  My mother had no time for her mother in law, and I feel very sorry for my father who adored his mother.  Mum always tried to drive a wedge between them, but she couldn’t.  My maternal mother was a very elegant woman who made her children look like models by cutting up old sheets and creating wonderful garments.  She was robbed of her beauty by a ravaging disease which deformed her face and made her a hunchback.  It was such a cruel disease, and I felt so truly sorry for her.  I used to visit her when I was at university, and she always put on such a brave face. I have few memories of my maternal grandfather, her husband, who came back from the war emotionally crippled.  He hid the horrors of war by escaping into a whisky bottle, and never really came out.  Born into an aristocratic family, he never came to terms with the fact that he had little money on his return from serving his country, and he left it to his wife to eke out a living by sewing for others.  Paradoxically, it was the heavy drinkers on both sides of my family who lived longer than the teetotalers, and I wonder if there is a lesson in this for me!  Do you enjoy an occasional drink?  They say it is good to have a glass of wine a day, and my father had his first drink when his first great granddaughter was born.  I am delighted that my father and I made the peace after having fallen out over my relationship with Han.  I had always dreamed that I would have the perfect wedding, with my family around me. It was a perfect day, except for the fact that my parents were not there.  I had cooked all the food for our 100 guests on our small two element camp oven, and the salads were prepared on the day by all our friends who had stayed over at our home the night before the wedding.  It was a magical day, and the sun shone on our friends’ glorious garden in which we said our vows to each other.  All our children were part of the ceremony, and they also made an affirmation to our relationship.  After drinks and food on the lawn, we later had a barbecue at our home, and this special get together   capped off a brilliant day.  Han and friends had guitars and we sang till late.  I had kept a bottle of whisky which my grandfather had won in a raffle as a young man, but as a non drinker he had never opened it.  My father had inherited the bottle, but he also abstained from alcohol.  One day he said he was going to throw it out, and I asked if I could have it.  I made a pledge to myself that I would keep it for my wedding, and although I could have opened it on many an occasion, I did indeed keep it for my special day.  Everyone said it was the smoothest whisky they had ever had!  What would be your perfect wedding?  The only thing that would have taken the gloss off my wedding, if I had let it, was the fact that my parents weren’t there.  They had said that they didn’t approve of Han and couldn’t support our decision to get married.  They made the conscious decision not to attend and I really thought they would make a late entry and see how happy I was with my ready made family of four step children, my eight year old daughter from my Japanese partner, and with little Shahan who was ten months old.  However, that late arrival was not to be, but I was determined I was not going to let this ruin my special day.  I had waited until I was thirty-five years of age to make such a commitment, and I was not going to have it ruined by anyone!  I had such dear friends around and I thanked God for all he had given me.  I will show you photos of the wedding if you would like to see them.

What a self indulgent way to start my letter!  However, personal letters are often like that, aren’t they?  Do you enjoy writing letters?  I can think of nothing better than sitting writing, and I only wish I had more time to spend more time on it.

Although I love writing, I can’t even draw a straight line and so painting is not one of my passions.  Some people have a passion for painting and I really envy them their gift.  However, people’s idea of what art is varies widely.  We have an eclectic range of art on our walls, and I love sitting in our different rooms, listening to music and looking at our art.  We have paintings, sculptures and pottery, and all of it is precious to me because of the memories it evokes.  Graffiti is considered an art form, but I have never considered tagging an art form.  It is merely a form of vandalism, the writing of a signature on property that doesn’t belong to you.  I remember seeing a lot of it in Christchurch before the plague came to Dunedin, and become so angry when I see tagging defiling our beautiful city.  New Zealand is so beautiful, and I find it disgusting that juvenile delinquents vandalise our beautiful landscape with their selfish tagging.

As I write to you, I am watching a documentary on plastic surgery, and the lengths people will go to in order to have the “perfect body,” at least perfect to them.  The surgeons argue that those who have the cosmetic surgery have higher self esteem, and therefore have a better life.  However, so many of these men and women are never satisfied with their bodies, and become addicted to going under the knife.  Undergoing general anaesthetic is so hard on the body, and I couldn’t imagine putting my body at such risk.  What are your views on having plastic surgery done?  I had an Argentinian student who said that all her friends had plastic surgery when they turned forty, and she would do so as well.  I would love to be without my wrinkles, but I love the expression that “a stone has no wrinkles.”  The wrinkles all represent the experiences I have had, and I am proud of that. How many experiences does a stone have?

It is now time to go to bed, and I am really looking forward to seeing you and working with you.  If you would like, you can come out to my home one day and we can wander around the garden.  Han and I spend a lot of time working in our garden, and it is nice to just relax and enjoy the ambience of our special place.  It is our heaven on earth, and I feel very blessed.  Little did I know when I bought my house in 1989, a woman on my own with my five year old daughter, that I would end up married with seven children, five grandchildren (with two more on the way this year,) and an acre and a half of land.   When I worked seven days a week in Japan to save enough money for a deposit on a house, I used to look out of my kitchen window and watch the father of the house next door make coffee for himself and his wife.  I so vividly wished that I could have that life, and when Han makes coffee on a Sunday morning, I smile as I remember that moment at the sink all those years ago.  I do not take my life for granted, and I am indeed truly blessed.  I hope you feel the same way.  It may sound a cliché but “live the dream!”  The power of positive energy and creative visualization is awesome!

Love

Sharron