On flight to Brunei

Monday 21st December,

11.12am  New Zealand time

Dear Reader

It has been said that living life is all about attitude, and there is a saying about percentages, but with having had little sleep I can’t remember what it is.  All I remember are the percentages 90% and 10%, and that what is important is that it is our way of thinking which determines our level of happiness.  The way we look at life has been on my mind a lot over the past year, particularly as I have struggled to cope with some days which seemed to test my inner soul.  I knew that I had to be strong for my family at home, and at school, and so wanted to project the positive image which I promote in others; ‘walk the talk,” as Han used to tell me.

I can’t actually believe that we are winging our way to Brunei on the Sultan’s Royal Brunei flagship, and I was looking forward to my little flight rituals of taking my “No Jetlag” tablets, ordering a juice, water and gin and tonic, and settling in with a good movie on my screen.  I have a theory that so long as you drink two glasses of water or juice for every glass of alcohol, and take the homeopathic tablets, you will have neither a hangover nor jetlag. I have proved this true on every flight I have taken, and have always returned to work the day after long flights feeling really refreshed.  I adore flying as it is the only time in my life when I really have no control over my daily life at all.  I entrust my life to the pilot, and my sustenance to the crew. You can imagine my surprise, therefore, when I was informed that there was no alcohol on board, and that my seat was not programmed correctly and I could not watch movies.  This is when the 90% kicked in.  I decided to just relax, try to sleep, and see this as my detox programme for the holiday!  This Brunei flight has really tested this power of positive thinking from the beginning of our trip yesterday. We had to travel up to Auckland, arrive at nine o’clock but wait for a 2.30 check in. Unlike other flights, one couldn’t check in early, and we ended up resting on seats in the observation area for five hours.  I stretched out over four seats with a view straight down the runway, and was fascinated by the activity of an efficient city of light and machines below me.  A massive Qantas flight berthed right beneath me, and I could see movement through the small portals and wondered what everyone was thinking as they arrived at midnight.  The repetitive strains of canned violin music played over and over as I tried to sleep, not managing to lull me to sleep, but repetitive enough to be slightly grating on the brain!  I wondered, at the time, if I would remember the tune, but I don’t.  Thankfully!

This trip is very special as it is the first time I have travelled with anyone other than my family in so many years, and more importantly, because I am travelling with Jan.  Han thought it was a child’s rite of passage to save up enough money to travel on their own, as I had done, but I felt that after such a tough year, this Christmas was better spent off shore, with no fear of stress and disappointment when expectations for Christmas are so high.  At sixteen years of age, it is a wonderfully impressionable age, and Jan commented as we walked across to the international airport in Auckland, how excited he was and how he would remember it so vividly.  Jan has worked hard at his sister’s café to raise his spending money, and he generously gave me some Thai baht as an expression of his gratitude to me for the support over the year.  I was very touched by his thoughtfulness.

Christmas is a very special time in our family, and I have enjoyed the festive season so far, be it without Han. I have had all the family over for the dressing of the Christmas tree, a custom I initiated when I first met Han, and this year I went out on my own to choose a tree for my cottage and have it cut down for me.  I love the “Christmas tree farm” in Kaikorai Valley, and it has become a ritual to invite all the children and grandchildren out for the decorating of the pine branches.  Reminiscences of Christmas begin with that first smell of freshly cut pine, and I could never have an artificial tree.  The other scent is the perfume of Christmas lilies, and the perfume was heady as you entered my cottage as the white petals opened and allowed the magical scent to waft through the house.  They were a picture of perfection on Sunday morning, and after I vacuumed my former home, now Han’s house, I placed these flowers on the table with a nice card, reflecting on the fact that we still loved each other but not able to be together.  I assume there is still love there on his part, although it is often very hard to see.  We all react differently to changing circumstances, and I know that Han’s decision to leave must be now seen as a gift.  This is now the time for me to pursue other dreams, now that my work is basically done as a hands on mother.  Jan is the youngest, and although he needs my emotional support, he can very much stand on his own two feet.  He has turned into a tall, good looking, confident young man, who looks you straight in the eye when he shakes your hand.  I am proud of him, and I am so looking forward to spending today in Brunei with him and the next twelve days in Thailand.  Luckily, he is able to watch a movie, having taken my seat.

As well as coming together for the dressing of the tree, oldest daughter Jo invited us all round for a big dinner on Saturday night.  Although Suny, Nathan and the children couldn’t be there, it was wonderful to see the grandchildren open the presents we had all brought. Christmas day is such a busy day when you have extended family, and meeting earlier is the ideal way for us to enjoy the magic of Christmas. When all the children were little, I used to get so excited as I wrapped the presents and put them under the tree.  I would then pour a drink, go alone into the lounge, put on my favourite Christmas music, and rock to the carols and songs as I gazed at the beautiful tree the children had helped to decorate three weeks before.  The littler children always awoke so early, and the older teenagers grizzled as they staggered out of bed, but they wouldn’t have missed the excitement on their younger siblings faces for anything!  “They were such happy days, and not so long ago, how I wonder where they’ve gone….,” sang Karen Carpenter, and I agree that those particular days have gone, but have been replaced by something equally as special.  I now have seven children, seven grandchildren with one more to be born in April, and I feel especially blessed. As much as I was dreading a Christmas without Han this year, the family have rallied around, and made it such a special celebration with only love and laughter. Behind the smiles, there are the memories of the ructions of this year, but the strain is easing, and each day we all feel more confident that the right decision has been made for Han and me to part.  The children have been so affirming of me, and although I took on four step children almost twenty years ago, I now have feel I have a family to rival the von Trapp family in the Sound of Music.  I would like to think I was Maria, and although I couldn’t stay with the captain as Maria could, I certainly have been wrapped in the love of a blended family.

I have been in the cottage about a month now, and every morning I wake with a sense of real peace. I have not had any of the terrifying nightmares which used to plague me, and entertaining has been as much of a joy as it was in the big house. I am amazed at how many people can comfortably fit into the space, and last Sunday I invited all the staff and their families, and twenty of us sat around comfortably.  There were comments that it was the best staff party every, and it warmed the cockles of my heart to hear that.  Isn’t that an old expression?  I love the colour and texture of the English language, and was particularly moved when Aaron wrote a special piece as a farewell to us all.  Aaron is such a special human being, and we are all going to miss his calm ways, his amazing skill at teaching, his quiet concern and attention to detail.  Aaron would always notice if I had done something different to my hair or makeup, and I love him in so many ways.  Lara, his beautiful wife, complements him perfectly, and they will make a wonderful life for themselves in Tolaga Bay, a Maori community in the North Island where Lara will work as an English teacher.  Reading Aaron’s thoughts through the piece of writing he gave to all of us who worked with him, one could tell that he is an accomplished writer, well deserving to have a piece chosen in the latest compilation of the best short stories in New Zealand this year.  I would love to be able to write as he does, being able to draw the reader into his thoughts and take them on a journey.  He will be sorely missed.

Although my own family, followed by the school family are my top priorities, my friends also play a major part in my life.  Two weeks ago, a good friend, who used to be a marketing executive in a large Chicago bank, came over for dinner at the cottage.  Although Jan said that he would just pop over for something to eat, and then go back to the big house to watch television, he became so involved in the conversation about marketing, that he didn’t leave till after ten o’clock.  I marvel at the way my little babies have grown into articulate young adults who can hold their own on topics such as politics, economics and marketing.  Where did all that time go?  My friend was saying that the last time she sat with Jan, I was overseas and Han had gone for dinner at her home.  Because Han is such a dominating presence, Jan took a back seat, and contributed little to the conversation.  I just love sitting back and listening to Jan talk, and no doubt we will share lots of stories on our return from this trip.

Separating from a partner is a life-changing event, and again, our attitude is so important in the way we deal with it.  My very expensive lawyer gave me good advice when he said that I should “depart with dignity,” and I have tried hard to do this. Leaving a marriage in this way is not the litigious way to end a relationship, and does not make one rich, but it does give me an inner sense that I have done the right thing.  I do not want to become bitter and twisted as many couples do, and this inner ugliness manifests itself on people’s faces and in their bodies.  My neighbour, married for the second time, said that she would never have placed flowers in her former husband’s home on leaving, but I felt good to say goodbye to the house by doing the vacuuming and leaving the scent of Christmas in the house.  There is no big, lovingly decorated Christmas tree in the beautiful lounge of my former home this year, as Han is living with his partner in town.  It doesn’t feel like my home any more, and neither it should, as it isn’t.

Our breakfast is just arriving, and it seems a good time to leave this first epistle to you. We arrive in Brunei mid morning, and will be guided around the city by a friend of Alisa’s, Alisa being our New Zealand born Thai Administrative assistant who has arranged this whole trip.  This is the first time I have not been in control of the planning and I am really looking forward to just following along, leaving everything in the lap of the gods, or to whomever else wants the role of team leader!

We have just had breakfast, but it was almost inedible, the worst meal I have ever had on a flight.  When we received a plain sandwich with a slice of meat and cheese, just after the plane took off, it didn’t augur well for the quality of the food.  When the selection of chicken or poached egg was presented, Jan and I thought we would have chicken. However, there was only egg as my option as they had run out of chicken, and again that wonderful player called attitude joined me, and I saw it as a chance to totally detox, not only by having no alcohol, but also by being meat free!  As it was, the French toast, which the Malay speaking flight attendant made sound like “pancakes,” was inedible, and I had a hard poached egg and a few beans.  One can’t go wrong with fresh fruit, and I ate that all up.  So much for my plan to put on weight by eating, drinking, and lazing around!  Actually, it is early days, and I am sure I will indulge when we reach Thailand. I am not concerned as I just want to be immersed in the culture.

I realise that I know absolutely nothing about Brunei, and have just read a little in the in-flight magazine.  I love experiencing new cultures, and will share my musings with you later.  I hope the weather has improved since we left yesterday.  Although the sun shone as we sat in the koru lounge at Dunedin airport, that wind and rain really blasted us.  It wasn’t much better in Auckland, and I could hear the wind whipping along the runway, much more soothing than the same canned strains of music which were played over and over again! 

Alisa has managed to sleep right through with a blanket over her head, making her look like a corpse, I have slept in small doses, but Jan has continued to read his book, the Godfather. I must make sure I don’t treat him like my son, and “mother” him, but just allow him the freedom to do as he pleases.  My lesson to be learnt for the day!!

I look forward to the next phase of this adventure, and I will write again when I have the time and inclination to write!

Love

Sharron